Can you keep a secret? Well please keep this just between the two of us. It's admittedly a dastardly plan but it just might work. I'm inviting Old Man Winter to a pool for a swim. I will give him the impression that it is just your average 500 mile by 500 mile garden variety pool (with a depth of 50 miles). But what I won't let him in on, is that the pool will be filled with 3000 degree water and acid with Live electrical current running through it. I don't particularly care if it's death via Drowning, Electrocution or Burning, the bottom line is he is going down. Sinister, I freely admit, but a justifiable homicide in my eyes. Sinister Laugh, Sinister Laugh. Remember mums the word.

So this Fat guy walks up to this Phat guy and says "Ill trade you a F for Ph". The only difference between the words "Platitude" and "Attitude" is the spelling and the meaning of the word (definition). Do Livers have liver spots? If as the saying goes "Ignorance is Bliss" then can it be safe to assume that "Stupidity is extreme Happiness". So I have to ask myself do I want to be that Happy and Stupid or should I go more middle ground "Melancholic and Not that Bright"? How come when you go to the Dollar store they have items that are more than a dollar? Liar pants.

Honestly I couldn't have said it better. I could have said it faster, through in a little more humor, gave it a little more panache, change the wording completely, left out the first part and the second part, made the villain the hero and the hero the villain and added snow for affect. But other than that I really wouldn't have changed a thing.

An ode to "A Bank robbers bad day or it must be a Monday". Hank woke that morning feeling like this would be a great day to rob a bank, the stars were aligned and his horoscope read that he was about to run into a large amount of money and he had that tingle in his left leg(the tingle he always gets when it's a good day to rob a bank). So off he went (armed and ready) as he entered 1st Pompous bank of Edina he walked right to the teller. He spoke softly so as not to draw attention to himself "This is a robbery, put all your money in this bag". What happened next took poor Hank completely by surprise. The teller looked up at him with a sharp look of disapproval and said " I am sorry sir but 1st Pompous bank has a very strict policy when it comes to bank robberies, all bank robbers must be apply 30 days prior to the actual robbery may I see your application please? Before Hank could even recover from that shock, the bank teller continued with the following "Sir how did you get in this bank? Your attire is totally unacceptable for the banks dress code, all of our customers are expected to wear formal wear and sweats are explicitly forbidden on bank premises. May I ask what type of weapon you have you with you? Because here at 1st Pompous bank we only allow robberies using Silver or Gold plated weapons". Poor Hanks head was spinning from this exchange, after all, all he wanted to do was rob a bank, did it have to be this complicated? The final insult came as the teller stated with a condescending voice "I'm sorry sir but I am going to have to ask you to leave this bank at once and please don't touch anything on your way out, after all we don't know where your hands have been". Hanks shoulders slumped and he turned to leave, on his way out of the building he knew this was not his day, there weren't even any complimentary suckers for him to swipe on his way out. Some days it doesn't pay to rob a bank.

My friends it is time to dispel another historical inaccuracy. This time we delve deep into lies about "The big Red guy". No not Red Skeleton. Yes, Santa the Claus. Many believe that everything was fine and dandy with all of his reindeer (Well other than the early misgivings they had about Rudy). Well let me tell you that all was not Candy Canes and Shetland Ponies in Santaville. First there was the matter with of the sexual harassment suit filed by Vixen, in her legal brief (not to be confused with your normal briefs) she stated her name made her sound like she was a deer with questionable or at least immodest reputation in that area of her life. And because of her name many male deer would try to hit on her. Then there was Dancer, who stated on many occasions the enormous pressure he felt to always have to perform his dance moves (Waltz, Tap and Rap) because the public had expectations of him because of his name. And this doesn't even compare to the tragic life of Blitzen, who due to the public's expectations of him to be in a constant state of drunkenness, he made it his life's purpose to have whiskey breath 24 hours a day (He actually had a much larger Red nose than Rudolph did). Tragically Blitzen spent most of his latter years in and out of treatment programs. I don't have time to tell all the stories of the Reindeer at this time, however I will tell you that Dasher in particular had some troubling interactions with the law. He had a ongoing problem with getting words confused and for many years he thought his name was Flasher, this lead to some embarrassing arrests. Santa got him some counseling and it was all good. Nothing worse than a dyslectic reindeer. So next time you hear the song" Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer" you will know it was all a lie.

I look back at my Swedish and Norwegian Heritage and immediately have somethings that brings me a sense of Pride. As we all know the Swedes invented Pizza, milk mush, Lefse, Sunbackle cookies and Norwegians invented Pot pies,Clogs, Pourage and the Vikings football team and sure both of them can be faulted for Lutefisk, Cold Weather and High Cholesterol. But all in all they's good peeps (as my daughter Kelly would say).But then I look at my German heritage and I sometimes get stuck on World War 1 and 2, Saurkraut,Black and White T.V. and of course ABBA. But that's when I remind myself of the idyllic geographical location of Germany in the middle of the ocean next to Hawaii and how folks travel their every year to vacation and to surf and get a great Tan. Sometimes my research findings can be a bit confusing but you probably didn't pick up on that fact.

Sometimes it is a good thing when one of your life's ambitions doesn't come to a fruition. As a young tyke in 1959 one day I found myself day dreaming (in Black in White) about what I like to be when I grew up and a thought came up to me that Policeman, Fireman and Astronaut had already been used up by other kids. So I wanted to branch out and think outside the box. So in my state of brilliance I decided that I wanted to grow up to be a Pathological Liar. I was pretty sure that this would set me apart from the norm. Well right from the start my life's goal was doomed. I started out trying just simple fibs with the goal toward reaching outright Liedom as I got better at perfecting my art. The problem was that I would Twitch uncontrollably turn Red and Pee in my Pants any time I tried to Lie. It became obvious within a short time that I would have to alter my lifetime ambition. So I gave in a became a Fireman, Policeman and a Astronaut. See, I can Lie.

As the self appointed Surgeon General of "The Americans for Words to be Pronounced as they are Spelled" Organization ( or as we in the business call it Tafwtbpatas. Kind of rolls right off the tongue doesn't it?) One of my first edicts will be that all French words that are not pronounced the way they are spelled will immediately change to being pronounced to way they are spelled. Here is an example of what I speak, the word Rendezvous, we have in the past been told to use are our imagination and somehow see this word as "Ron Day View" . When in reality it really reads as Ren Dez Vous and so hence forward we are to pronounce it as such Ren Dez Vous (see if that don't get you a few looks). There other examples of word mutilation, but suffice it to say that I am on the job. I would also appreciate your help in exposing other examples of this ongoing word travesty and in so minimizing the damage done to millions of people. If you would like to become a charter member of Tafwtbpatas just bring 1 million dollars(must be cash and in a brown paper bag) and I will let you know where we will Ren Dez Vous.

Had an odd interaction with an elderly gentleman last week. His name was Ugathalemueski. He said just call me Uggie. Uggie proceeded to share with me that he was Hungarian, 89 years old and a proud Racist. Well as he uttered the word Racist my mouth fell wide open in aghast. Hoping that he had misspoken I asked don't you mean you are a proud Bassist. Uggie's expression was very quizzical. No, he emphatically stated I have been a Racist since the age of 20. Well feeling quite uneasy with this revelation from Uggy, I tried to change the subject but Uggie would have none of that. Uggie shared that since the age of 20 he has been running in at least a dozen Races each year. Relieved that the confusion had been cleared up, I said to Uggie, you mean to say that you are a proud Racer. Uggie shrugged and responded Racer, Racist what's the difference? Uggie doesn't get out much other than to those races.

The FBI, CIA and NCIS were all on the case. It was both a shocker and a true mystery with few clues and minimal DNA evidence to be discovered. With the passing of each day and then weeks and then months it seemed this mystery would never be solved. And then quite by accident it happened I reached into my pocket and there it was, my Comb. After many months I could once again comb my hair ( sorry folks for all the bad hair days). It seems that the good investigators at the Federal Bureau of Idiots, Central Irrigation Agency and the Naval Collection Institute Service aren't the brilliant sleuths they are made out to be. Makes you wonder how DO they get shows made about them anyways?

I have the right to remain silent. However it is highly unlikely that I will ever use that right.

Frilly and Frumpy went to Powderhorn park one sunny day. And as they were teetering on the tot Frilly could be heard to say, Today I feel Chilly and Silly. And to this Frumpy responded, and I feel Lumpy and Dumpy. They looked at each other for a minute and then both gave a giggle. After a few more teeters on the toter, Frilly once again broke the silence with this revelation " Last month when it was so chilly Billy Dilly gave me a wet willie while riding Flicka the Philly. Frumpy didn't know if he should laugh or cry so he did neither instead he broke the awkward silence with his own revelation, "Last week I was feeling a bit Grumpy and feeling out of sorts, my skin was Bumpy and Clumpy and I was agitated and Jumpy. I went to Dr. Wumpy and he said it was all in my imagination". After some more teetering on that same toter, Frilly calming stated, well I have to go now. I am off to the florist to buy a Lilly for Millie. This left Frumpy hanging in mid air a top the teeter feeling blue. (WHAT. Not everything has to rhyme does it?)