Can you keep a secret? Well please keep this just between the two of us. It's admittedly a dastardly plan but it just might work. I'm inviting Old Man Winter to a pool for a swim. I will give him the impression that it is just your average 500 mile by 500 mile garden variety pool (with a depth of 50 miles). But what I won't let him in on, is that the pool will be filled with 3000 degree water and acid with Live electrical current running through it. I don't particularly care if it's death via Drowning, Electrocution or Burning, the bottom line is he is going down. Sinister, I freely admit, but a justifiable homicide in my eyes. Sinister Laugh, Sinister Laugh. Remember mums the word.

So this Fat guy walks up to this Phat guy and says "Ill trade you a F for Ph". The only difference between the words "Platitude" and "Attitude" is the spelling and the meaning of the word (definition). Do Livers have liver spots? If as the saying goes "Ignorance is Bliss" then can it be safe to assume that "Stupidity is extreme Happiness". So I have to ask myself do I want to be that Happy and Stupid or should I go more middle ground "Melancholic and Not that Bright"? How come when you go to the Dollar store they have items that are more than a dollar? Liar pants.

Honestly I couldn't have said it better. I could have said it faster, through in a little more humor, gave it a little more panache, change the wording completely, left out the first part and the second part, made the villain the hero and the hero the villain and added snow for affect. But other than that I really wouldn't have changed a thing.

An ode to "A Bank robbers bad day or it must be a Monday". Hank woke that morning feeling like this would be a great day to rob a bank, the stars were aligned and his horoscope read that he was about to run into a large amount of money and he had that tingle in his left leg(the tingle he always gets when it's a good day to rob a bank). So off he went (armed and ready) as he entered 1st Pompous bank of Edina he walked right to the teller. He spoke softly so as not to draw attention to himself "This is a robbery, put all your money in this bag". What happened next took poor Hank completely by surprise. The teller looked up at him with a sharp look of disapproval and said " I am sorry sir but 1st Pompous bank has a very strict policy when it comes to bank robberies, all bank robbers must be apply 30 days prior to the actual robbery may I see your application please? Before Hank could even recover from that shock, the bank teller continued with the following "Sir how did you get in this bank? Your attire is totally unacceptable for the banks dress code, all of our customers are expected to wear formal wear and sweats are explicitly forbidden on bank premises. May I ask what type of weapon you have you with you? Because here at 1st Pompous bank we only allow robberies using Silver or Gold plated weapons". Poor Hanks head was spinning from this exchange, after all, all he wanted to do was rob a bank, did it have to be this complicated? The final insult came as the teller stated with a condescending voice "I'm sorry sir but I am going to have to ask you to leave this bank at once and please don't touch anything on your way out, after all we don't know where your hands have been". Hanks shoulders slumped and he turned to leave, on his way out of the building he knew this was not his day, there weren't even any complimentary suckers for him to swipe on his way out. Some days it doesn't pay to rob a bank.

My friends it is time to dispel another historical inaccuracy. This time we delve deep into lies about "The big Red guy". No not Red Skeleton. Yes, Santa the Claus. Many believe that everything was fine and dandy with all of his reindeer (Well other than the early misgivings they had about Rudy). Well let me tell you that all was not Candy Canes and Shetland Ponies in Santaville. First there was the matter with of the sexual harassment suit filed by Vixen, in her legal brief (not to be confused with your normal briefs) she stated her name made her sound like she was a deer with questionable or at least immodest reputation in that area of her life. And because of her name many male deer would try to hit on her. Then there was Dancer, who stated on many occasions the enormous pressure he felt to always have to perform his dance moves (Waltz, Tap and Rap) because the public had expectations of him because of his name. And this doesn't even compare to the tragic life of Blitzen, who due to the public's expectations of him to be in a constant state of drunkenness, he made it his life's purpose to have whiskey breath 24 hours a day (He actually had a much larger Red nose than Rudolph did). Tragically Blitzen spent most of his latter years in and out of treatment programs. I don't have time to tell all the stories of the Reindeer at this time, however I will tell you that Dasher in particular had some troubling interactions with the law. He had a ongoing problem with getting words confused and for many years he thought his name was Flasher, this lead to some embarrassing arrests. Santa got him some counseling and it was all good. Nothing worse than a dyslectic reindeer. So next time you hear the song" Rudolph the Red nose Reindeer" you will know it was all a lie.

I look back at my Swedish and Norwegian Heritage and immediately have somethings that brings me a sense of Pride. As we all know the Swedes invented Pizza, milk mush, Lefse, Sunbackle cookies and Norwegians invented Pot pies,Clogs, Pourage and the Vikings football team and sure both of them can be faulted for Lutefisk, Cold Weather and High Cholesterol. But all in all they's good peeps (as my daughter Kelly would say).But then I look at my German heritage and I sometimes get stuck on World War 1 and 2, Saurkraut,Black and White T.V. and of course ABBA. But that's when I remind myself of the idyllic geographical location of Germany in the middle of the ocean next to Hawaii and how folks travel their every year to vacation and to surf and get a great Tan. Sometimes my research findings can be a bit confusing but you probably didn't pick up on that fact.

Sometimes it is a good thing when one of your life's ambitions doesn't come to a fruition. As a young tyke in 1959 one day I found myself day dreaming (in Black in White) about what I like to be when I grew up and a thought came up to me that Policeman, Fireman and Astronaut had already been used up by other kids. So I wanted to branch out and think outside the box. So in my state of brilliance I decided that I wanted to grow up to be a Pathological Liar. I was pretty sure that this would set me apart from the norm. Well right from the start my life's goal was doomed. I started out trying just simple fibs with the goal toward reaching outright Liedom as I got better at perfecting my art. The problem was that I would Twitch uncontrollably turn Red and Pee in my Pants any time I tried to Lie. It became obvious within a short time that I would have to alter my lifetime ambition. So I gave in a became a Fireman, Policeman and a Astronaut. See, I can Lie.